Xander is at an age that I love so much and I want to remember every single conversation we have. He is precocious, hilarious, confident, and observant. He has so many opinions. He has a lot of really great traits from Nate and for many years, I thought he was going to be an actual clone of his father. Turns out, he’s got a LOT of Natalie King in him as well and oh buddy, does this kid need to speak to a manager on a regular basis.
Xander’s drama class is putting on a production of The Grouchy Ladybug. To be clear, this is just a little performance in his class- not a full Broadway Production. His homework was to create a ladybug headband featuring the animal he was assigned- he was a gorilla.
His teacher was very clear- do not buy anything. Crafting at home only. I offered to help him- I was fully prepared for some elaborate crafting. He did not want my help. When he half-assed the project and glued a few little black dots on his headband, I offered to help. Nope. Ok, fine, I will not be THAT mom who takes over. He was satisfied, so that was that.
Except that somewhere along the way, Xander decided he absolutely, in no way shape or form, wanted to wear the headband. He was outraged at the thought of having to wear it. I told him he needed to speak to his teacher and say something like, “I do not feel comfortable wearing the headband, I would prefer to be in the play without it.”
On Tuesday, he came home and said he talked to his teacher. I asked what he said. “I said, with all due respect, I don’t wanna wear the headband.” And in response, she said it just seemed like he wasn’t into it, but he should plan to wear the headband. Cue 7 year old OUTRAGE.
I refuse to be a helicopter parent who rushes in to tell the teacher that my special snowflake isn’t going to wear the headband. But I am raising a child in 2023, so I can’t just tell him to shut up and wear it like they did back in my day. (For the record, my parents never said that, but they also weren’t spending their spare time watching instagram videos about child development.)
We sat down to really dig into the issue.
Xander- “First of all, we are wearing blue [the color of their uniform shirts], and ladybugs aren’t blue, so it doesn’t make any sense. If there was a full costume, I would wear it, but it’s just a dumb headband, so it’s ridiculous.”
Ok, I feel that in my soul. If something isn’t done right, I get frustrated and feel like I don’t even want to bother at all. Xander is upset about the production value of this play. Got it.
We talked a little more about his actual headband and I tried to find some ways to sell it to him. I asked if we could improve the headband, would it feel better? I suggested we find a cool picture of a gorilla and attach that to the headband.
“My headband is already in the drama room.”- X
I said, ok, how about tomorrow, we find a cool picture, I can bring it with me when I pick you up. We can go to the drama room and attempt to improve your headband, and if we can’t fix it, we can talk to your teacher about other options. He was satisfied with that.
At the end of the conversation, my darling 7 year old said to me, “In your own words, can you repeat back to me everything I told you so that I know you know what to say to my teacher?” I had to hold my breath for a moment so I didn’t burst into laughter. Is this my child or is this my child?!? I took a deep breath and said, “what I heard you say is…”
Stories like this make me miss my dad so much. My dad was 7 in 1960. Little boys did not get their feelings validated or their voices heard. I wish I could see his face and hear his reaction to all of Xander’s feelings. I think he would be baffled, but I think it would also be good for him to see how he should have been treated. We are raising self aware, confident, empowered kids. But when you see my exhausted face and gray hair, and think, “whoa, she has really aged in the last 7 years”, you know exactly the conversations that are making me look this way.
Wednesday afternoon, I showed up to school with 2 different sized gorillas with double sided tape on both of them, ready for some headband triage.
Yes, I do have a full time job. But yes also, I spent 20 minutes of my day printing, cutting, taping and doing homework my 7 year old didn’t do the first time. We will eventually revisit the conversation about how he “phoned in” his homework which lead to all this drama, but for the moment, I was in problem solving mode. We went to the drama room and the teacher said, “oh, I can glue them on in the morning.” No. I explained that we needed to try it on and process some feelings. She was very patient. As we fixed the headband, she explained that real life actors sometimes get assigned costumes they don’t like, and they just have to wear them. And really the play is just a few minutes, so wearing it shouldn’t matter that much… uh huh. Nice try lady. He said he would think about it.
When we walked out, he looked like he was going to burst into tears and I knew I had not solved this yet. “If it’s not a big deal, why do I have to wear the headband.” Touche. Point for Xander.
We had to go to swimming, so I managed to calm him down and tell him we would talk again and reminded him that I am on his side and we would figure it out.
After dinner on Wednesday night, Xander, Nate and I all climbed into our bed and snuggled together to have a processing meeting. Nate was of the opinion he should just wear it. He had not been part of the first emotional processing, so he wasn’t prepared for Xander’s outrage, annoyance, and just outright indignation.
Eventually it came out that he just really wasn’t satisfied with the headband. I asked if we could re-make it. He said, “the play is tomorrow! How are we just going to re-make the whole thing?!” A crafting challenge?! Are you kidding me?!? Cue my outrage. Um, hello? I was born for last minute, urgent crafting challenges.
We went downstairs and I continued to assure him that he would not have to wear it if he decided that was the right choice for him. I soothed, I listened, I cut, I glued, and eventually, I said, let’s just try this on and see how it feels.
As Grandma Debbie is famous for saying, “winner winner, chicken dinner”.
He didn’t outright agree to wear it. “I mean, how will we even get this to school and will my teacher even let me wear a different one?!” First of all, it is a paper crown, we can probably just put it in your backpack. Second of all, I will email your teacher and tell her you are bringing a new headband and if she doesn’t agree to let you wear it I will beat her up in the parking lot. I didn’t say that last part, but after all of the emotional processing, this was a hill I was prepared to die on. However, I was relatively sure she would just be happy to have an easy going 7 year old in a headband.
His teacher responded before I was back downstairs from tucking him in- she was thrilled he had a new headband he liked. Perfect.
Thursday morning, I made some ladybug strawberries to go with breakfast, and used red chocolate melts to dip oreos for a special treat to go with his snack. Xander woke up in a great mood and felt really good about the play, wearing the headband, and life in general.
The 5 minute play was a wild success. He was adorable, confident, and wearing the headband. Whew. I hope every project is not this much emotional work!
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