Nate, the boys and Mary left this morning at 9am. Mary had a flight at 2, so the timing worked out perfectly. My mom was waiting at our house to hang out with the boys while Nate unpacked. They were very excited to go home and see Grandma.
We still had Jacob and Amanda here volunteering- Meghan is also still here so I could have left, but when we talked about it weeks ago, it felt like Saturday morning would have been kind of a rush, so I am staying until tomorrow. It gives me time to make sure everything is cleaned up and locked up and it’s much easier to pack without 2 little helpers. Also, I was excited for one day and night without feeding/caring for/ being responsible for anyone by myself. It’s almost 9pm now and I’ve been missing the boys for hours already, but I am also happy to be here without them.
We’ve only been here for a month, but it still feels like the end of a camp season. It is quiet here and peaceful and the energy is low. I love the buzz when camp is full of people, but I also love it when it’s quiet and empty. It was nice to walk around today and touch things and be slow and intentional and appreciate all the little areas of camp that I love.
I write this blog for the boys- they are too little and won’t remember most of their lives right now. But we have so much fun and there is so much magic, I want to record as much of it as possible. I don’t want to be an influencer who poses her kids and filters our life and makes everything seem perfect. But the blog is definitely a filtered version of our lives. Everything is 100% true, but I don’t write about the meltdowns, the tantrums and the moments when I am pulling out my hair.
This month was really wonderful in so many ways. Often, when camp is filled with campers and staff and it’s so busy and I don’t have a moment to pause, I wish I could be at camp without all of that to just enjoy the lake and the gorgeous property. But after a month of just a few of us here, I think the charm of empty camp only lasts for a weekend or maybe a week. A month was too long.
Meghan, Sean, Mary, the boys and I were a little family that sat down to dinner each night and went swimming together almost every day. I couldn’t think of a better camp crew to have been with and I am so grateful that fate lined up for all of us to be together. The volunteers that came to camp were also the best of the best. Everyone had different skills, fresh perspectives, endless energy and were SO energizing to have at camp. It was more than I could have hoped for and I am incredibly grateful for their time and hard work. Camp is in better shape than it’s been in a long time and while this wasn’t a normal summer, it was second best and a silver lining in what could have been a lost season.
But also, this was a hard month. The “behind the blog” chronicles…
March-June were tough months. I had surgery in March and my body was still healing when the stay-at-home order was enacted and I became a work from home/stay at home/ recovering from surgery parent. It was fun and novel at first and I loved being with my boys, but it was a LOT on my shoulders and by the time we arrived in July, I had been feeling overwhelmed and really stressed out for a while. I was already exhausted when we got here.
Camp is 25 buildings in various stages of disrepair. Outsiders always ooh and ahh and comment on how charming camp is. And it is. It looks like we are inside of a movie. But after 13 years, I see every broken step, peeling paint, ripped screen and giant looming project. It was AMAZING to de-clutter and clean out every nook and cranny that we haven’t attended to in years. But it was also daunting at times. It was dirty, hard, physical work. I kept thinking about 20 something Natalie who was terrified of getting stuck in an office job. More than once, covered in sweat and dirt, I said, “an office job wouldn’t be so bad right now!”
We didn’t really have a schedule this month- we had meals at the same times and I handed the boys off to Mary after breakfast each day. But it wasn’t long enough to really establish a solid routine and that was kind of tough for the boys. Nate came to camp every weekend, but so did new groups of volunteers, so I haven’t really had a break. I felt like I needed to be present and available or working with them, and I cooked dinner every night of the month, so the weekends were busier than the week. Nate was frustrated that I had to work every weekend and I was constantly torn between my family and camp and never felt like I was doing either job well enough.
Xander and Augustus (though a little less so) really struggled with homesickness this month. Every night before bed, Xander would go through the list of things he missed- “I miss Daddy, I miss my bed, I miss our house.” At one point he lamented, “I miss our floors”. He didn’t do this on weekends, so I think the main issue was being away from Nate. Nate wasn’t able to spend much time at camp- weekends were short and that was hard. Nate and I have talked about camp and the boys since even before the boys were born, and at some point, my dream job that I have poured 13 years of blood, sweat and tears into will not be the right fit for our family. I saw glimmers of that this summer and it was heartbreaking. I don’t want to be the cause of stress for our boys and our family, but I can’t imagine my life without camp. It’s too much to even contemplate, but every night as I comforted by boy, I held back tears, knowing that we are probably not going to be able to be here for as many years as I’d dreamed. I know I will have to give up this place that I love for the good of our family and that is gut wrenching to imagine. I hope I still have some time left here.
The trailer has been my summer home for 8 years. When camp bought the trailer, it was “temporary” housing. But I have never loved a space more. I was CHARMED. It’s tiny, but perfect. It felt like my own little private clubhouse. I LOVED the trailer. It’s changed over the years to include a crib, toys, and our growing family. This summer was the first time it felt cramped and inadequate. Xander didn’t like sharing a bed with his brother and I, so after the first week, he moved to a cot in the living room. But because the living room is one big space, bedtime was a struggle. My after bed free time was basically nonexistent. And once he finally went to bed, the little time I had left was spent sitting in the dark.
The air conditioning was glitchy. The water has some kind of an issue so it comes out in a trickle (a fun challenge to try to get all of the shampoo out with the least amount of water possible). I had a mouse problem for the majority of the summer (I FINALLY won the battle a week ago and have been mouse free, but it was weeks of frustration and mouse poop).
Camp has gone back to nature- the VERY tame deer I got up close and personal with was an almost daily occurrence. I saw MANY snakes (I usually only see 1 or 2 a summer). The bees nests were by the dozen and I am pretty sure I got stung by a murder hornet as I still have a mark on my arm weeks after a vicious attack. Ive cleaned up dozens of mouse carcasses in the pole barn, the dining hall, every building actually. A squirrel got into the dining hall and we found the body in a pool of fluid. I thought it was death juice when Meghan texted me the photo. Upon closer examination, I found a bottle of syrup with bite marks on an upper shelf. I don’t know how the squirrel died (insulin shock?) but when I attempted to clean it up, I found that the syrup had hardened into the consistency of rubber cement, and in prying the body off the floor, ripped it in 2, exposing all of the innards. Have you heard the phrase, “my whole life flashed before my eyes”? Well, in the case of syrup squirrel, “my whole resume flashed before my eyes” and I thought, there’s no way I’m making enough money for this task. But it’s good to see that even 13 years in, there are still surprises that I NEVER expected.
We need to raise a LOT of money, as in twice our normal goal. With 2 sources of revenue- tuition and donations, and the loss of one whole stream, fundraising is it. It’s more than we’ve ever raised. I’ve tapped all of our usual donors. And I’m just not sure I can do it. We’ll survive. It’s not the end of the world. but it was on my mind every day and I am stressed out about it. In addition to “where are we gonna get more money?!” every SINGLE day I worried and went back and forth about childcare in the fall. The boys are supposed to move to pre-K at the Catholic school. But school is probably going to get closed down and I’m not sure I can handle the stay at home/work from home lifestyle again, especially when I am so stressed about the impossible job of raising so much money. So then I thought maybe we should send them back to daycare to have consistent care. I debated this endlessly with my mom, Christine, and Nate, finally deciding to send them back to daycare instead of moving to pre-K. I just summed that up in 2 sentences, but it was a month of agonizing, pro-con lists and probably more dramatic than it needed to be. But when you mix all of that with 2 homesick boys, the dog bite incident, being away from Nate for the majority of the month, and being sweaty/dirty/sore from heavy lifting, I think that most of this month I was verging on hysterics.
This month had so many fun, magical moments, so much laughter, so many sweet moments. I have daily blog entires and 1000 photos to look back on. But I am ending the month as worn out as I usually am after 3 months. I am overwhelmed and feeling less optimistic and enthusiastic than I usually am. I am worried about next summer- there’s still a global pandemic messing everything up. Camp can survive one messed up season, but will not survive a second summer without campers. It’s not lost on me that all of the accomplishments of the summer might actually be for naught. I can’t allow that thought in my mind for more than a moment at a time because it brings instant tears and panic. But it’s there, at the edge of my brain, always threatening to wash over me and knock me to my knees.
After the boys left today, I laid in bed and spread my whole body out. I have slept crammed into the corner for the summer (Augustus is small, but takes up a LOT of space!) and it felt good to really stretch. I watched Netflix for the first time in a month. I didn’t move for several hours. When I finally got up, Meghan cooked dinner- the first meal I haven’t prepared, the first meal where I wasn’t responsible for anything. I didn’t have to prepare multiple plates. I didn’t have to get up several times throughout the meal to get someone something. I sat on the couch (the first time I’ve done that!) and lounged and ate my whole plate without pause. I’ve been the makeshift head cook all summer- I planned all the dinners, shopped for and kept track of all the food, prepared all dinners (and every breakfast and lunch for the boys). I have actually really enjoyed it and I really appreciated how complimentary everyone was all summer (it turns out I’m a pretty good cook). But tonight was downright LUXURY to just show up to a meal and eat without any role whatsoever!
Camp is paradise- I love living on the edge of a lake, watching the sunset each night. The majority of the time, the weather is perfect. I love going swimming every afternoon. I love the woods and the nature and being outside all day. I love the old buildings and my tiny trailer and golf carting around camp. It is a magical place and this has been and continues to be my dream job. The community of people who love this camp is phenomenal and fills me with love and appreciation. This month was a blessing and in so many ways, I wish we had another month or more here. But yeah, whoa, holy cow, this was NOT easy. I am drained. I am anxious. I am not ending on an adrenaline high from months of changing lives like the 12 summer previous. I’m hopeful that summer #14 is in my future- terrified that a pandemic might end this 73 year old camp, or that my family won’t be able to withstand the camp lifestyle to give me one more summer of adventure. I don’t know what the future holds, but I am really proud of what the team was able to accomplish in the month and grateful that I got to be part of this journey, even though it was really really difficult.
St. Paul awaits….
